


i didn't want this thing called living

by dorenamryn



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Always, Angst, Infinite sadness, M/M, Pain, They deserved better, with obikin there really isn't a happy ending
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-13
Updated: 2018-01-04
Packaged: 2018-10-18 06:12:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 4,848
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10610925
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dorenamryn/pseuds/dorenamryn
Summary: the words were drowned by tears and iwas standing weak at my kneesbetween concrete buildingswhere the gravel and sorroware filling my lungs with darknessAlternatively: Obi-wan's heart is forever shattered, and Anakin always burns. (A collection of ficlets cataloguing the tragedy of two lives  both before and after the fall that was never supposed to happen.)





	1. the fire will consume them

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _i should have known from the start that we were destined to burn, but oh, my love, i loved you anyway, and my heart was torn apart at the seams when i was forced to cut you down. i heard your screams then, and a part of me was screaming in the fire with you, for you had died before you really had the chance to live._

Obi-Wan felt like he had spent years in despair, like he had been haunted by Anakin’s screams for millennia.

In reality, all of it had happened only yesterday. Yesterday. Such a simple word, and now, a thousand times more painful. Yesterday, when the world shattered, yesterday, when Anakin’s presence slowly fell into the darkness that had been fraying the edges of his own mind for years.

It seemed like someone had to succumb to it eventually. Count Dooku had, Barriss Offee had. Only, Obi-Wan had never imagined that Anakin would too. For Anakin, _his_ Anakin had always been good and pure and kind, and yes, he had’t been perfect, but he was _light_. He was pure, radiating golden light. Was, had been. Past tense.

Obi-Wan couldn’t even feel him anymore. He hoped, somewhere in the deep recesses of his mind, that Anakin had died. It would have been easier. He would have been at peace. Yet, Obi-Wan knew, with a bone-deep sorrow, that fate was not so kind, even to its own child.

There was something that told him that Anakin was alive, and that he was suffering. That he would always be suffering, and it was Obi-Wan’s own fault.

It would always be Obi-Wan’s own fault.

But Obi-Wan wasn’t sure that Obi-Wan existed anymore.

Obi-Wan and Anakin, both dying, would forever be trapped on that bank. Obi-Wan would forever be crying, telling Anakin over and over again that he loved him, and Anakin, Anakin would always be burning.

Neither of them could survive without the other. Neither of them could live on if the other was gone.

And so, they didn’t.

Obi-Wan would always end up heartbroken, and Anakin would always burn. And then, the fire would swallow them whole, and they would do it all again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is going to be a collection of short, angst-ridden obikin drabbles/ficlets that i'm working on because those two always give me pain. hope you enjoyed! 
> 
> title and summary both inspired by adna's song _living_. 
> 
> for more writing check out my other works and my [tumblr](https://vortexoftime.tumblr.com). also if you enjoyed please leave a comment?? it would make my day :)


	2. and with the dreams the darkness comes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _did fate intend for us to end this way? in fire and pain and tears? if so, i want nothing to do with fate, but i know you believed in it far too much. is that why you fell? is that why you left me? we were going to be happy, my love. it was so close; i felt it more surely than i’d ever felt anything. did you feel it too? i like to think you hadn’t, for maybe then you wouldn’t have fallen so far._

Anakin screamed as he shot awake in a cold sweat. The dreams had started again. It seemed like no matter where he went, no matter how hard he'd tried to banish them, they always came back. The dreams of darkness and death and pain, and there was nothing anybody could do to stop them.  

Light suddenly spilled from the doorway around Obi-Wan’s tall frame. He wore only a loose shirt and ruffled sleep pants, and his hair and beard were tousled. Anakin had woken him up again. 

“Are you alright, Anakin?” Came Obi-Wan’s voice from the now-bright doorway. Anakin gulped, frantically taking in lungfuls of air, trying desperately to calm his frenzied mind and rapidly-beating heart. 

“Fine,” he gasped out in between breaths. “Never been better.”

“Anakin,” sighed Obi-Wan, his scepticism clearly displayed on his darkened features. “I’ve known you long enough to know when you’re lying.”

“It’s fine,” Anakin insisted, his shoulders slumping as he looked down. “It’s the dreams. They’re back again.”

“Oh,” said Obi-Wan, his voice instantly softer. “Would you like me to get you a cup of tea?”

“No, that’s alright,” replied Anakin, looking up to meet Obi-Wan’s eyes. “Just— Stay with me?”

Obi-Wan’s eyes closed for a moment as he nodded, his lips held in a firm line.

“Of course,” came the gentle response. 

The room was then immersed in darkness as Obi-Wan dimmed the lights. Anakin could hear his padded steps towards the bed and felt the mattress dip as the other man lay down. 

“There, there,” Obi-Wan whispered, draping the blanket that Anakin had violently tossed away over himself and the younger man. Anakin moved closer as Obi-Wan put his arm around him, settling into the warmth provided. He lay there, for a moment, still, simply basking in the gentle comfort and reassurance of Obi-Wan beside him, Obi-Wan's bright light calming his mind. He let his lips turn upward, then, as his eyes shut and he slowly fell back into the gentle embrace of sleep.

Months later, he would remember his dreams and fall asleep alone to the sound of machines rather to than to Obi-Wan sleeping soundly next to him, and he would think that his dreams had come true after all, just as he’d known they would, and all there would be was darkness and death and pain, just like his dreams had predicted.

And his name, his name would not be Anakin, a word so softly fallen from Obi-Wan’s lips that night. It would be Vader, and he would be the end of dreams.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> feel free to yell at me on [my tumblr](https://vortexoftime.tumblr.com) and leave a comment if you enjoyed!


	3. may you let the desert take him

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _i went back there, you know? the planet that you had said you hated. i understand, now, why you said you did. yet, when i stand in upon the sand, the light of the twin suns warming my tired soul, all i feel is you. we should have gone back sooner. perhaps then, you would have understood it too._

Obi-Wan stood upon the tallest dune he could find and looked out towards the rising suns as the darkness of the night fell away behind him. He’d been on Tatooine for a about five years now, and he most definitely understood Anakin’s hatred for the sand. It seemed that every time he walked back into his hut he brought the entire desert with him.

“I never should have doubted you,” Obi-Wan said to the air next to him. “The sand is absolutely impossible to get out.”

He turned, and in his eyes, Anakin stood there. Tall, dark-robed, a warm twinkle in his gaze.

“I told you so,” the hallucination said. “Yet you came anyway. Why?”

Obi-Wan gently huffed, looking out towards the horizon once more.

“You know why, Anakin,” he replied, his voice soft. He paused for a moment, looking down at the sand. “You are like the desert, you know that?”

“What makes you say so?” The apparition asked, its presence coming nearer. Obi-Wan refused to look at it a second time.

“You would have been better off had we returned here together,” he said instead of answering the question, looking up towards the sky, something strange tugging at his heartstrings, a heavy weight settling in his chest. 

“Why didn't you trust me?” He asked, looking back to where the hallucination had stood.

However, said hallucination wasn’t there, and the words fell not upon the ghost, but upon the sands that stretched for miles and miles and miles, wrapping around the planet upon which everything began. And Obi-Wan, Obi-Wan was alone, talking to a man who was no longer there, a single tear making its way down his cheek.

The twin suns of Tatooine rose, and Obi-Wan pretended that the tendrils of light were Anakin, welcoming him home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my [tumblr](https://vortexoftime.tumblr.com) is here, friends. i await your comments :)


	4. the truths which we must face

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _i didn’t know that the demon still lived. it’s not you though, love, for you and i died together, died as the war tore the galaxy apart. i remembered your words, from that night, another lifetime. you asked me if we were going to make it, and i hadn’t been brave enough to reply. i am now, though, and we’re both dead._

Obi-Wan stood at the bar, a drink in hand. He wished that he could drink past the point of sobriety, but somehow, he couldn’t let go. The din of the cantina filled his ears with meaningless noise, allowing his mind to wander; but it never wandered far enough, so instead of subjecting himself to another round of near-deadly alcohol that wasn't going to do much anyway, Obi-Wan abruptly decided to call it a night. He downed the rest of his glass in one go, the liquid burning his throat as he did. He found that he couldn’t bring himself to care. 

Obi-Wan slammed a few credits onto the counter and turned to leave, but the entire room suddenly went silent. He looked around, confused, until his eyes found the source of everyone else’s collective attention.

The symbol of the Empire glowed eerily upon the small screen of the cantina. He stopped moving, then, and waited with bated breath, like the rest of the cantina, as the symbol melted away. Within moments, it was gone, and the screen was instead filled with the horrific sight of the Emperor, but he was not alone. Beside him stood a monstrosity, a dark figure, clothed in shining black, the helmet upon its head gleaming under the artificial light, and then, the helmet turned towards the camera, pools of darkness where eyes should be, and the Force began to scream.

Obi-Wan knew, of course, that the Force could not make any audible sound, but the feelings of pain and suffering that had suddenly flooded his mind at that very moment surely made him feel like it was, in fact, screaming. As the Force churned, something snapped suddenly into place in Obi-Wan's mind, and only then did he realize why it hurt so much more than it should have.

His eyes had zeroed in upon the dark statue, and everything else faded away as the sound of loud mechanical breaths filled the dead-silent cantina, and with the sound of the breathing, a devastating realization crashed into Obi-Wan’s mind and sent him careening towards the nearest wall; for suddenly he found that he could no longer stand. A few moments later and he was kneeling in an alley, sick to his stomach because of what he now knew.

Anakin was _alive_.

Correction, Darth Vader was alive. Anakin was long gone. He wasn’t coming back. _He wasn't coming back_.

Obi-Wan stood still in the middle of the desolate Mos Eisley street. The wind howled as he stood, the dark of the Tatooine night swallowing the even the light falling from windows of the otherwise-darkened houses. His robes billowed in the frantic wind as it whirled about him, cold and merciless.

He stood, silent, as he felt Anakin’s Force presence explode in his head like a supernova, and all he could see in his mind’s eye was Anakin’s smiling face, his golden curls and his bright, glowing skin, the scar given to him by Ventress stark against the vibrant blue of his eyes.

Upon the streets of Tatooine, Obi-Wan Kenobi toppled to his knees, his hands curling into fists so tight that his knuckles turned to white. A hoarse yell tore from his throat; pained and inhuman, fading away as he broke into hacking sobs, the Force a cosmic storm in his mind.  Anakin smiled at him again from the not-so-distant past, and his hand reached outwards, as if it could transcend time and space and touch Anakin one last time, tell him that everything was going to be alright.

The wind howled, blowing sand into Obi-Wan’s already-sandy robes as his entire world came crashing down.

Vader lived. Vader lived in the body of his best friend. Vader lived in a corpse. 

“We’re not going to make it through the war, are we?” An echo of Anakin’s voice asked him, soft and vulnerable. Years ago, Obi-Wan’s arms wrapped tighter around Anakin’s trembling frame.

“No,” whispered the shell of Obi-Wan on Tatooine, the wind nearly freezing his tears. “We’re not.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you everyone for all the lovely comments! they truly do make my day <3
> 
> [my tumblr](https://vortexoftime.tumblr.com), gentlebeings


	5. split in two was their single soul

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _have you thought about me? do you ever miss me? i wouldn’t think so, love, for i’d ruined you. i’m sorry. i’ll always be sorry. can you hear me? have you heard me? i think of you so often that i sometimes forget that we’re not the same person._

Anakin looked at peace inside the training room. He wore a loose tunic and loose pants, his hair a disheveled mess, but he moved gracefully, his lightsaber whirling about in precise movements; katas, drilled into every Jedi since they were old enough to wield a lightsaber. Obi-Wan stood to the side, a gentle smile upon his lips, despite the fact that it was the middle of the ship’s night cycle and they had a battle come morning. Anakin was supposed to be asleep, as was Obi-Wan himself, but he had woken after his bond with Anakin sparked. Afterwards, the younger man hadn’t been to hard to find, especially for Obi-Wan.

Anakin’s fluid movements were mesmerizing, the flash of his lightsaber only adding to that effect as he spun and jumped and lunged. Obi-Wan continued standing in silence, simply basking in the light of Anakin’s presence. Their bond was so acute that Obi-Wan sometimes forgot that they were two separate entities, in some ways, polar opposites. Complementary halves of a single whole, two cosmic supernovas, come together as one.

When they fought together, it was as if they melted into each other, and when they were in the heat of battle, their blue lightsabers striking down droid after droid, Obi-Wan couldn’t differentiate where he ended and Anakin began.

Now, too, he watched Anakin’s movements, and it was as if they were his own. He was both standing at the side of the room and gripping a lightsaber hilt, leaping forward. To an outsider, it would have seemed strange, but to them, it was only natural. Obi-Wan didn’t know what he would be without Anakin. He couldn’t think it, couldn’t dream of it, for when he did, his heart clenched and his lungs constricted and he’d found that he couldn’t even breathe with the pain that the thought brought him. It wasn’t as if he hadn’t considered the possibility, no. This was war, and countless Jedi had already died; it wasn’t completely improbable that they could be next, for nobody was all-powerful.

The retraction of Anakin’s lightsaber was was brought Obi-Wan out of his dark thoughts, so before his mind buried him in desolate futures, he looked up, meeting Anakin’s gaze.

“I knew I could find you here,” he said softly, approaching Anakin and placing a gentle hand upon the other man’s arm. “Go back to sleep. You’ll need it.”

Anakin breathed, closed his eyes for a moment, and only then did Obi-Wan notice the tears.

“I can’t,” Anakin choked out, standing tall for a second before his shoulders slumped forward and he collapsed into Obi-Wan’s shoulder.

“I can’t,” he repeated, his voice muffled. 

Obi-Wan’s gentle smile from before was gone now, and instead, his lips were held in a firm line. But, nonetheless, he wrapped his arms around Anakin as the other man began to shake in earnest, sobs threatening to tear him apart. Obi-Wan closed his eyes and slowly sighed.

“It’ll be alright,” he soothed, trying desperately to keep his own voice from trembling as he rubbed Anakin’s back with his palm. “It’ll be alright.”

The next morning, Ahsoka would find them both asleep on the training mats, Anakin’s lightsaber lying abandoned a few metres away. She would smile, and then she would wake them, and then the battle would begin.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was written pretty late at night so i apologize if it's slightly messy!! i just really needed to write something, so this is what came out :)


	6. to glimpse the path of fate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _you told me once that you would travel to all the stars. tell me, love, have you done so? will you, still? it seems to me that now i’ll never know if you fulfilled your childhood dream, and i guess you won’t know, either. we’re dead, you and i. we died together, just as fate had said._

Obi-Wan stood still for a moment, tilting his head. The water, what water he had, whistled in the kettle on the rusty stove.

“Are you still here?” He asked the air, his voice quiet, his gaze resting upon the sandy-coloured wall. 

“Of course I am,” the hallucination said. “Where else would I be, Master?”

Obi-Wan shut his eyes tightly, squeezing the tears out. His heart was empty, now, dry and desolate. The spark that had made him _him_ had perished on the riverbank with Anakin.

“Did you see them all?” He managed to choke out after the he’d reigned in the sudden onslaught of emotion; his knuckles white where his fingers tightly gripped the edge of the table. “Did you do what you had promised yourself?”

There was a beat of silence while the kettle whistled loudly, but then Obi-Wan felt the otherworldly hand touch his shoulder gently and he caved, finally letting go, letting his grief hold him in his translucent blue arms as Obi-Wan cried, yet again, for what could now never be.

And he wondered, still, if the little boy from Tatooine had travelled to every star, like he had promised all those years ago. Deep in his heart, though, he knew that the little boy was long dead, for he’d died with him on the shores of a river made of fire.

Fate was not kind, Obi-Wan had decided long ago, and yet, he couldn’t help but ask the Force; was this what they were meant for? Is this what the Force had intended for him and Anakin from the start? Did it bless its child, name him the Chosen One, only to break his heart and fate him into death?

Obi-Wan would never know, now. He was half a man, living in a hut with the ghost of the only other being whom he had ever truly loved, left wondering where he went wrong. He asked fate again and again, yet each time, the Force was silent but for the echo of Anakin’s voice in the light of the golden suns.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my tumblr is [here](https://vortexoftime.tumblr.com). (p.s. thank you for all of your support!)


	7. unimaginably intertwined they would always be

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _is this what it feels like to live without air? i feel as if i’m dying, but that’s not right, for how can one die twice? the loneliness, love. it’s suffocating me._

It was well into the seventh month of his exile before Obi-Wan finally figured out what the strange feeling weighing so heavily upon his chest was. It was loneliness, isolation. On Tatooine, he was completely cut off from the world, from all the people whom he’d known, all the people whom he’d had yet to meet. 

It had taken this long for the realization to dawn on him because, truthfully, he couldn’t remember what loneliness had felt like. He had never really been alone in years; during the war, he was always with the clones, or with the Council, or with Ahsoka, or, of course, with Anakin. But, even when he did find a moment where he wasn’t with anyone physically, Anakin was a constant presence in his head. It was comforting, knowing that the younger man was there, a feeling of warmth.

Now, though, his mind was cold and desolate, as was he. Anakin was there no longer, and from that blossomed pain and heartache like he had never known, for he had never truly been so alone. Even before Anakin, he’d had the other Initiates, his friends from the crèche. After that, he’d had Qui-Gon, and although his Master had been distant at times, he was there. In a way, it was like the connection that he and Anakin had had, yet it was also different, less powerful, weaker.

Everything he and Anakin were, everything that they had been had ensured that neither of them would truly be alone, and _Force_ , did Obi-Wan miss it. He missed the way that their bond would surge with warmth and reassurance, missed the way that he and Anakin melded together on the battlefield. And, somehow, he knew he always would, no matter the number of years that would pass, no matter the fact that they had destroyed each other in the end.

Obi-Wan Kenobi would miss Anakin Skywalker. It was foretold, fated.

A galaxy away, Darth Vader tightened his fists.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is a quick one because it's late and i had feelings.


	8. the same outcome, gives circumstance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _perhaps i should have told you that i knew. perhaps things could have been different. perhaps they would have turned out the same._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> anakin's a bit of a dick in this one. you've been warned.

“Anakin, I know about Padmé!” Obi-Wan shouted, cutting off the endless tirade that the younger man had been on. He hadn’t meant to tell him, but now the cat was out of the bag and Anakin had been stunned into silence.

“I know about Padmé,” he repeated, his words coming out angrier and more accusatory than he’d intended; although now that he’d started, he didn’t think he could stop. “I was never going to tell the Council. Unlike what you may think, I care about your happiness. Sweet _Force_ , Anakin, it’s all I’ve ever wanted for you.”

Anakin sat there, dumbfounded, his mouth slightly open in a near-comical expression. But then, his anger suddenly spiked again, and his eyes turned dark. He laughed, but he wasn’t laughing. The sound that came out of Anakin’s mouth was cold and mirthless, almost mocking.

“You knew?” He said with feigned surprise, his words sharp and derisive. “Well then, clearly that didn’t stop you from sitting idly by while the Council cooked up their plans. She’s gone now, Obi-Wan. Did you know that? All her things, gone, as if she’d never existed.”

“Anakin, what—“ Sputtered Obi-Wan before Anakin cut him off.

“And why is that, you ask? The answer’s obvious, isn’t it?” The younger man continued, his voice growing harsh and angry, his next words full of rage. “The Council told her to clear out and leave me before they killed her for it. And you _sat there_ the whole time and let them _do it!_ ”

“ _Anakin!_ ” Obi-Wan exclaimed, aghast, his face pale and stricken. “Anakin, she’s my friend too!”

Another feral smirk.

“Clearly your friends don’t mean much to you, do they?” Anakin questioned, his eyes suddenly dipping to red as he lunged for Obi-Wan, holding the older man’s throat in a vicious vice. “Did you ever care about me, Obi-Wan? Did you? Or was I just a disappointment from the start because Qui-Gon liked me better?”

“Of course I cared about you, Anakin!” Obi-Wan coughed through the choke-hold that Anakin held him in. “Of course I—“  


“LIAR!” Anakin screamed, the Force churning darkly around him. 

And then, the room turned to freezing as Obi-Wan felt an invisible force begin to squeeze his throat.

“Anakin, no…” he wheezed, pleading, his hands flailing as he choked, Anakin’s crazed expression centimetres away from his face. 

“Anakin, please,” he whispered again, his voice strained as his airway was cut off, tears welling up in his eyes as his breathing failed him.

“This is what you deserve,” Anakin snarled above him, his eyes swirling with the chilling golden yellow of the Sith. “This is what you’ve made me become.”


	9. a welcome respite from the war

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _i remember only a few days of happiness. i want you to know they are cherished._
> 
> _(i will never be this happy again)._

 

There were moments during the war when all was calm. Those moments usually came in the form of a few days’ mandatory leave for the two of them. At the start of the war, Anakin had been restless, sometimes, but after a while he’d grown to long for the days when he and Obi-Wan could simply enjoy a breakfast together and lounge in their own quarters in the Temple and not in the cold, grey rooms of a ship. 

They grew tired, over the long years of the war, and as the list of medications given and taken grew ever longer, their bones grew more weary and their faces more gaunt. 

This was one of those days, a moment when all felt right.

They’d woken up to warm sunlight streaming through the blinds. Obi-Wan had gotten up first that morning, leaving the bed with a gentle smile as he pulled the covers up to cover the still-sleeping Anakin’s shoulders. Anakin, however, rose shortly after that, only to find Obi-Wan humming to himself in their little kitchenette. He’d wrapped his arms around the older man, resting his head on Obi-Wan’s shoulder.

“Good morning,” Obi-Wan said softly as a sleepy grin slowly appeared on Anakin’s tired features.

“Morning,” he replied, his voice uncharacteristically quiet.

Obi-Wan smiled, then, his Force presence bright and warm. Anakin sighed, and their bond pulsated with something undefinable, a feeling of utter trust and caring; an emotion that some would describe as love.

This was to be a slow and happy day, a break from the battlefield. But it was only a day, and with the coming of the next morning, they would again be shipping off to war.

The both of them knew that they should enjoy the day whilst they still could, and so, Obi-Wan and Anakin settled into a comfortable silence, a plate of pancakes between them, and a day of peace ahead.

Years later, Obi-Wan would remember the holo that Anakin had Ahsoka take of the two of them in the kitchen, grinning like fools, and he would find his heart trapped in a vice-like grip, the longing for the happy days nearly eating him alive. 

Still, he would smile and remember, for that was all he had left.


	10. love under the alderaanian skies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vader goes to the Jedi Temple one last time.

He felt out-of-place there, in the rooms where he had lived so much of his life. It was not only strange to come back here, but it was painful. His gloved fingers gently trailed over the slightly-dusty surface of his and Obi-Wan’s small table. He could hardly feel it, but he supposed that that's what having all-mechanical limbs would do to someone. That had been Obi-Wan’s doing, yes, but could Vader really blame him? Again, he supposed that it was that little bit of Anakin in him that had even prompted him to come back here in the first place.

After a brief moment of hesitation, he walked over to the couch and sat down, wrapping the now slightly-burnt blanket around his mechanical frame. There was a blaster burn on the wall. His breathing echoed in the deathly-silent room.

He felt out-of-place, like a stranger in his own home, a person trapped in a different skin. What he was encased in wasn’t skin though, he supposed. He was trapped in a metal cage. He couldn’t feel the softness of the blanket that he remembered. Vader found it surprisingly disheartening, the realization that he would never feel that softness again. On that last night, had he known that it would be his last with arms and legs? His last night to bask in Obi-Wan’s warmth as they watched _Love Under The Alderaanian Skies_  with Anakin’s favourite ice cream? Of course he hadn’t known. Anakin had been a naive fool.

It felt like he’d last sat there a lifetime ago, but in reality it had only been a week. 

He suddenly realized that he could never have ice cream again.

Somehow, that didn’t stop him from reaching over to the holo console and turning it on, with a pang finding it still on the correct channel. And then, it didn’t stop him from trying to sink into the couch cushions as the soap opera’s familiar opening began. A few minutes in, though, and still he wasn’t comfortable, because _Force_ , everything hurt. The fabricated connections of his new limbs were digging into his raw skin, and the leather of the suit was agitating said skin even further, and his half-mechanical lungs were constricting, and Obi-Wan’s legs weren’t there to lie down on, and suddenly there were tears pooling in his eyes and spilling over and he couldn’t wipe them away because of the thrice-damned mask.

It painted a funny picture, he supposed. The Empire’s weapon, supposedly hell-bent on wiping the Jedi from the plane of existence, sitting in a dusty room in the near-ruined Jedi Temple, watching a holo-drama and wishing for Obi-Wan Kenobi, his awkward, bulky, armoured frame attempting to sink into a worn sofa; gleaming black against warm beige. It was funny, from a certain point of view.

Anakin decided that he wasn’t going to come back to the room again, and as he left the Jedi Temple that night, another piece of him fell away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> he's a bit ooc in this one but i saw forcearama's post and couldn't resist. [here is said post](http://forcearama.tumblr.com/post/166047441778/the-cold-hard-truth). you're welcome.
> 
> hmu at skywclkrs.tumblr.com!!


	11. nightly wanderings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anakin can't sleep.

After so many months spent on the battlefield, so much bloodshed and tears, Anakin found that he could not sleep alone. He couldn’t place a finger on what it was that finally did it for him, but now the thought of sleeping by himself was unbearable.

He hated it. He hated that he was so weak, hated that he had to rely on others to get rest so that he wouldn’t screw up in a life or death situation, hated that it was like this because it was all his weaknesses on display.

That was how he found himself outside of Obi-Wan’s rooms on the _Resolute_ in the middle of the ship’s night cycle, clothed in only light sleepwear and bags beneath his eyes. He raised a hand to knock, but struggled to do so. Was he ready to tell the other man? Could he handle the look he knew Obi-Wan would give him for not telling him sooner without falling apart?

_Oh, to hell with it_ , he thought, and rapped his hand on the door thrice before he could stop himself, the sound sharp to his ears. 

It was a few moments before anything happened, but then the Force lit up and Obi-Wan opened the door with a tired expression on his face. When he saw Anakin, though, his entire demeanour changed. He went from looking weary to worried in a heartbeat, lips slightly pursed as he looked Anakin in the eyes. And then, a moment later; “Are you alright?”

Anakin looked down, breaking eye contact, the Force buzzing warmly around them.

“I can’t sleep,” he said quietly, the shame in his voice almost tangible. 

Suddenly, there was a warm hand on his upper arm. Anakin looked up, meeting Obi-Wan’s gaze, and the sincerity and silent understanding in his eyes nearly shocked Anakin. He wasn’t sure what he was expecting Obi-Wan to do, but this hadn’t been it.

“Come in, Anakin,” Obi-Wan finally replied, his tone soft and kind.

Anakin obeyed and followed him into his darkened quarters. Obi-Wan was quiet, but through their bond he could feel his emotions, and his feelings gave away more than words ever could. Obi-Wan didn’t need to speak, and neither did Anakin, for they were so profoundly linked that words were not necessary. They could read each other’s thoughts and body language, have an entire conversation with a simple nod and hand gesture. Right at this moment, Anakin couldn’t have been more grateful for their link.

He loved the other man, he truly did. Obi-Wan, with all his faults, was Anakin’s second half. It had taken him an embarrassingly long time to realize it and even longer to accept, but it was the truth, plain and clear as day. Whenever they were together, whether it be on the battlefield or in a darkened room on a silent ship, the Force surged strong with warmth and comfort and pure, unadulterated love that nearly broke Anakin with the power of it.

They settled into bed side by side, Obi-Wan’s warm torso pressed against his own, and despite the fact that they were at war and already en route to their next battle, Anakin felt more at peace than he had in months.

“I will always be there for you, Anakin,” Obi-Wan’s voice said gently into his hair as his eyes began to close. “I hope you know that.”

From Obi-Wan, collected and reserved as he was, that was the only affirmation of his love that Anakin needed.

“I know,” Anakin whispered in response, something warm and wholesome blossoming within his chest.

And as he lay there, with Obi-Wan pressed up against him and the ship humming quietly below, Anakin drifted off to sleep.


End file.
